Understanding Power and Consent: Why Relationships With Clergy Are Different

If you've experienced sexual contact with a clergy member, you may be carrying questions that keep you up at night:

• "Was it really abuse if I had feelings for them?"
• "Did I say yes when I should have said no?"
• "Why do I still feel so confused about what happened?"

These questions make sense. And you're not alone in asking them.

Let me share something that might bring clarity — not to tell you what to think, but to offer a framework that many survivors have found helpful.

The Concept of Fiduciary Relationships

Some professional relationships involve what's called "fiduciary duty."

This is a legal and ethical term that means: certain professionals have an obligation to put your interests above their own.

For example:

• A doctor prioritizes your health over their personal desires
• A therapist focuses on your healing, not their own needs
• A financial advisor acts in your best interest, not theirs

When someone holds fiduciary duty over you, there's an inherent power imbalance.

Many legal and ethical frameworks recognize that this power difference means true consent — the kind where both people are on equal footing — isn't possible in these relationships.

Clergy relationships often function this way.

Why Clergy Relationships Are Different

When you seek guidance from a pastor, priest, or spiritual leader, you often share:

• Your deepest fears and doubts
• Your spiritual struggles
• Your family conflicts
• Your personal vulnerabilities

They hold:

• The ability to interpret scripture and God's will
• Influence over how your community sees you
• Access to your most private thoughts and feelings
• Moral and spiritual authority in your life

This creates what many professionals recognize as an unequal power dynamic.

Some survivors describe it this way: "I trusted him with my soul. How could I say no when he held that much of me?"

If that resonates, you're not imagining things.

What This Might Mean for You

If you experienced sexual contact with a clergy member, here's what some survivors have found helpful to consider:

Where This Understanding Comes From

Many states have laws specifically addressing this issue:

• California recognizes clergy sexual contact as professional misconduct
• Minnesota criminalizes sexual conduct between clergy and congregants
• Wisconsin, Texas, Iowa, and other states have similar statutes

These laws exist because lawmakers recognized: the power held by clergy makes equal consent extremely difficult, if not impossible.

This doesn't mean every state sees it this way. And it doesn't mean you have to see it this way.

But if you're questioning whether what happened "counts" as abuse — these legal frameworks suggest: you're not alone in that question, and there are valid reasons to wonder.

What You Might Do With This Information

There's no right or wrong way to respond to this.

Some survivors:

• Feel relief: "Finally, someone explained why I felt so powerless"
• Feel angry: "I was manipulated and I didn't even know it"
• Feel confused: "I still don't know what to call it"
• Feel validated: "I'm not crazy for thinking this was wrong"

All of these reactions are normal.

You don't have to decide right now:

• Whether to call it abuse
• Whether to report it
• Whether to pursue legal action
• Whether to tell anyone else

You can sit with this information and see how it feels.

If You Want to Explore Further

Some survivors find it helpful to:

• Talk to a trauma-informed therapist about power dynamics
• Read more about fiduciary relationships
• Connect with other adult survivors of clergy abuse
• Simply sit with this new framework and see if it fits

There's no timeline. No pressure. No "should."

You Get to Decide

Whether you:

• Call this abuse or not
• Report or stay private
• Pursue justice or focus on healing
• Tell your story or keep it to yourself

...is entirely up to you.

This article simply offers language that some survivors have found helpful.

If it doesn't fit your experience, that's okay too.