Nathaniel J. Patrick

Evergreen Resource • 8 min read

How to Talk to Your Therapist About Clergy Sexual Abuse

Finding the words to describe what happened — especially to a therapist who may not be familiar with clergy abuse — can feel overwhelming. You may have spent years not talking about it. You may not be sure what to call it. You may worry about being believed, or about how the therapist will respond.

This guide offers practical language and questions to help you start the conversation, at whatever pace feels right for you.

You Do Not Have to Explain Everything at Once

One of the most important things to know before your first conversation: you do not have to tell the whole story in one session. You do not have to tell it in order. You do not have to use any particular words.

Therapy is a process, not a confession. A good therapist will follow your lead, work at your pace, and not push you to disclose more than you are ready to share.

You can start as simply as: "I had an experience with a religious leader that I am still trying to make sense of, and I would like help processing it."

Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist

Not all therapists are equally equipped to support survivors of clergy sexual abuse. Before committing to a therapist, it can be helpful to ask some questions — either in an initial consultation or by email.

Questions to consider asking:

  • "Do you have experience working with survivors of religious trauma or clergy sexual abuse?"
  • "Are you familiar with trauma-informed approaches to therapy, such as EMDR or somatic therapy?"
  • "How do you approach situations where a client is uncertain whether their experience constitutes abuse?"
  • "Are you comfortable working with clients who have complex feelings about their faith or religious community?"
  • "What is your approach to confidentiality, and when would you be required to report?"

A therapist who responds to these questions with patience, openness, and without judgment is likely a good fit. If a therapist seems dismissive, minimises the significance of religious authority, or pushes you to take action before you are ready, it is okay to look for someone else.

Language That May Be Helpful

Many survivors struggle to find words that feel accurate. Here are some phrases that others have found useful when beginning to talk about their experience:

  • "I had a sexual experience with someone who held spiritual authority over me, and I am not sure how to understand it."
  • "I was in a relationship with a clergy member that I now believe was exploitative, but I still have complicated feelings about it."
  • "I experienced what I think may be called spiritual grooming, and it has affected my ability to trust people and my faith."
  • "I am carrying a lot of shame about something that happened with a religious leader, and I need help separating what was my responsibility and what was not."

You do not have to use clinical language. You do not have to call it "abuse" if that word does not feel right yet. You can describe what happened in your own words, and a good therapist will help you find the framework that fits.

What to Do If Your Therapist Does Not Understand

Unfortunately, not all therapists are familiar with the specific dynamics of clergy sexual abuse. Some may minimise the significance of religious authority, or may not understand why consent is complicated in pastoral relationships.

If this happens, you have options:

  • Educate gently: You can share resources — including this website — with your therapist. Many therapists are willing to learn.
  • Ask for a referral: You can ask your therapist to refer you to someone with more specific experience in religious trauma or clergy abuse.
  • Seek a second opinion: You can see a specialist in religious trauma for a consultation, even if you continue working with your current therapist for other issues.
  • Find a new therapist: It is always okay to change therapists. Your healing matters more than any particular therapeutic relationship.

Therapeutic Approaches That May Be Helpful

Several therapeutic modalities have shown effectiveness for survivors of trauma, including clergy sexual abuse:

  • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing): A trauma-focused therapy that helps process traumatic memories without requiring detailed verbal description of events.
  • Somatic therapy: Approaches that address how trauma is stored in the body, which can be helpful when verbal processing feels difficult.
  • Internal Family Systems (IFS): A model that works with different "parts" of yourself, which can be helpful for survivors who have complex or conflicting feelings about their experience.
  • Narrative therapy: Helps survivors re-author their story in ways that reduce shame and reclaim agency.

You do not need to know which approach is right for you before starting therapy. A good therapist will help you find what works.

You Deserve Support

Seeking therapy is an act of courage, not weakness. It is a decision to invest in your own healing — and you deserve that investment.

Whatever you decide to share, however you decide to share it, and at whatever pace feels right — you deserve a therapist who meets you with compassion, patience, and genuine understanding.

Grounding Reminder

If reading this brought up difficult emotions, here is a simple grounding technique:

  • Notice 5 things you can see
  • Notice 4 things you can touch
  • Notice 3 things you can hear
  • Notice 2 things you can smell
  • Notice 1 thing you can taste

You are safe right now. You are in control of this moment.

Resources

For crisis support:

  • RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (24/7, confidential)
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

For finding a therapist:

For comprehensive guidance on healing, reporting, and reclaiming your autonomy after clergy sexual abuse:

No pressure. Just an option if you want it.

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